


The Apocrypha of Sodom and Gomorrah.

by Tammany



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Apocryphal Old Testament, Fill-in-backstory, Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-27 02:17:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20038291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tammany/pseuds/Tammany
Summary: In the traditional narrative of Sodom and Gomorrah, there are two messengers (angels) who accomplish the work, and the Lord is missing for most of the narrative--possibly all, depending on how you parse some rather erratic description of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah and the cities of the plain. If one of the two messengers is Sandalphon, and Aziraphale was there to witness the mess, well--one can come up with alternate explanations, but without additional data it looks like the two messengers were Sandalphon and Aziraphale.So this is just a little fill-in flashback. Apocryphal, of course. But still, it is now written, even if it wasn't written until now. Have fun, mes anges....





	The Apocrypha of Sodom and Gomorrah.

The Lord then rose up with his angels, Sandaphon and Aziraphale, saying, “The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great and their sin so grievous that I will go down and see if what they have done is as bad as the outcry that has reached me. If not, I will know.”

The angels then turned away and went toward Sodom, to prepare the Lord’s way. But Abraham remained standing before the Lord, and didst bargain with the Lord out of compassion for the people of Sodom and Gomorrah. Thus he bartered that the Lord might spare the towns for first fifty, then forty-five, then forty good people, until the Lord had allowed his chosen one to bring the tally down to ten, whereat they ceased the bargain, for both knew that in all two towns there would be ten righteous people, if only by reckoning the children and babes in arms. Thus did Abraham save the Lord’s face, and the Lord save Abraham’s, and between them they did bargain for the lives of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Then the Lord, having concluded her dicker, didst ascend unto heaven, trusting in her messengers to abide and wait until her return to them. Neither did she send word ahead, for Sandalphon and Aziraphale were trusted messengers, loyal and obedient to the Written Plan.

So it was that Sandalphon and Aziraphale came to the town of Sodom. And there they were met by Lot, a stranger in the land who had come to live among the Sodomites. As they approached he bowed low and bid them come and guest at his home. “For there you can wash the dust of the road from your feet, and I shall feast you with my finest supplies, and my daughters can serve you, and you can continue upon your trip come morning, fed and rested and satisfied in all things.”

Now Aziraphale did not like the manner of the chap, and argued to Sandalphon that the Lord had not sent them for their own pleasure. He said unto Lot, “No, no, my dear fellow, no, we wouldn’t think of it. We can remain here, in the town center and wait for our good Lord to arrive. Sh… HE is just behind us, and shall join us shortly.”

But Lot didst offer again, most passionately, and Sandalphon, with the memories of the feast and hospitality of Abraham sweet in his mind, complained bitterly to Aziraphale that it would only be to the Lord’s credit if his servants were properly guested with honor in the town. “For we can leave word at the gate of where we are gone, and let the Lord know to follow after. And all things will then be arranged to his liking.”

And Aziraphale, to his later regret, didst agree, for the temptation of a proper feast lingered in his mind, too, and he was greatly tired, and the sun hadst burnt his nose, and there was road dust in every part of his body. So he and Sandalphon followed Lot unto his house in the city.

But their passage was noted by the men in the city. They had the look of rich servants of a rich Lord, and their words and actions led the men to believe them heavy in their purses and light in their sandals. The messenger Sandalphon thought himself a wit, and his teeth were heavy with gold, and his manner was unctuous as a eunuch out of Egypt, and the messenger Aziraphale was fair as only the harlots in the temple were fair, and they thought him gayer than a tree full of monkeys on palm wine and hashish. Further, Lot’s hospitality did them no favors in the town of Sodom, for he was a stranger and a prig.

Yet when they arrived at Lot’s home there was no bathhouse, nor even a basin to wash their feet, and Lot offered only unleavened bread, nor did he call his wife and daughters to cook for the strangers, nor to bring up urns of wine for the guests, nor sing and play the harp for them.

And both messengers were sore dismayed, and Sandalphon didst say, “Well, a nice turn-up this is, I _don’t_ think! Pinch-penny makes for poor hosting. I shall make sure he’s first smitten come the Lord’s word.” But Aziraphale didst sigh, and eat his unleavened bread, and slip out of that place to find the public baths, for, as he saith unto the Lord later, “I was most grievous filthy, and they do say that cleanliness is next only to Godliness.” Which the Lord did not argue, though she thought it a bit of a porkie, and suspected her messenger had hoped to buy meat pies and figs and wine, and sing in the town tavern, as well as bathe. Nor was the Lord, the all-knowing, wrong in this.

But Aziraphale didst first attend the bathhouse, and in the bathhouse the men of the town did note his fair skin, and his gleaming white hair, and the softness of his body. And as Aziraphale had made no effort to be otherwise, they did note that his body was innocent of the signs of a grown man, and they thought again of the women at the temple, and the eunuchs out of Egypt. And he was seen making tender eyes at a lean, dark man with hair of a red like charcoal and embers, so dark was it, and the man, lean as a viper, didst make eyes at him and offer to meet at the nearby tavern after.

So one man didst grab the angel’s arse, and another didst ask the price of his favors, and another made a respectable offer for a totally disreputable service, and the messenger Aziraphale was most dismayed, and didst hurry his ablutions and rapidly clothe himself and hurry back to Lot’s home, with the hopeful men of the bathhouse scurrying behind, for all knew where the two messengers of the Lord were staying. The messenger Aziraphale did enter Lot’s compound over the garden wall, and upon arriving soon after, the men from the bath house didst begin to pound upon Lot’s door, asking to enjoy the favors of the two “holy harlots” who had accepted Lot’s guesting.

Lot, who knew nothing of this, was angry, for though he was a poor host, he was a man of honor in the way of his own people. Thus he refused, and instead offered to send two daughters, virgins both, to entertain the men at the door.

Then between all parties was there great dispute. The men from the bathhouse had seen the messenger’s fair skin and fair hair, and he had the looks of a chap who knew his way around the wand of life, and who might appreciate the attentions of a one-eyed dhoti-snake. Likewise they had hopes of making similar use of Sandalphon in the night—and knocking his gold teeth out before morning, for he hadst a good year’s wages and more in his vastly superior smile.

Likewise Lot’s wife didst set up a horrible wailing and keening that Lot would give their pure girls away to save the honor of two such ball-less wonders. The girls bemoaned that they be given away at all.

In the middle of it the messengers set to arguing among themselves, for Sandalphon was sore distressed by Lot’s scant generosity, and sour to the bone that the men from the bathhouse should consider him worth so little, “For I am a messenger of the Lord, and am not about to bend over and spread without so much as a meal at a decent tavern and a few glasses of wine to sweeten the task, and proper payment withal after. The Lord is right—there is no honor in this town! A messenger of the lord expects a certain level of diplomacy when approached about mortal pornography.”

And Aziraphale, who had hoped only for a bath and a passable meal before sleeping, didst wring his hands and bemoan the folly of all concerned, himself above all.

But Sandalphon rubbed his hands in glee, and said unto Aziraphale, “Now’s our chance, you foolish twat! This could mean a promotion! I say we smite Sodom and Gomorrah tonight, and when the Lord arrives, the whole mess is taken care of for him! We can show a bit of initiative. Just think—out from under that oaf Gabriel!"

The angel Aziraphale didst then squeak in horror, like unto a mouse of the field trapped by a serpent. “No, no, Sandalphon! We can’t do that! The Lord intended to investigate first. Oh, bother—do think of the trouble and the paperwork. Is it not best to let the Lord our God do his own smiting? After all, it’s hardly a thing you can undo after.”

But Sandalphon saw the conjoined pleasures of smiting offensive mortals and of impressing his superiors, and declared it to be the stated will of God that Sodom and Gomorrah be brought down. And Aziraphale, who had not heard Abraham dicker with the Lord over the righteous in Sodom and Gomorrah, and who did not know that the count of the righteous was as slight as ten, despaired—for Sandalphon had the right of it, so far as Aziraphale knew.

“We are messengers of the Lord, and we act upon his righteous will,” Sandalphon announced, and began sorting out an entertaining array of smitings and destructions.

Then did Aziraphale go to Lot and his wife and say, “You must flee from this town, for by the Lord’s will it will be brought down at sunrise, it and all the towns of the plain, for the Lord has heard of Sodom and Gomorrah’s many sins.”

Lot and his wife argued bitterly, but at last they gathered their goods and chattels and fled town the road toward the small town of Zoar, in the foothills.

But Sandalphon was mightily wroth. He was offended at Lot’s scant hospitality, and embittered that he had not been offered fatted calf or fresh-slaughtered lamb, or leavened bread, or good wine, or the service of the two daughters, and when he found them fled away, he stood upon the roof, prepared to smite them. But Aziraphale had warned them not to look back, lest Sandalphon be sure of who it was that fled the city.

But Lot’s wife mourned, for all was to be destroyed: her home, and her kin, her town and her heritage. And, looking back, the messenger Sandalphon did see her and know her by her face, and sent destruction upon her, turning her to a pillar of salt.

And come morning the archangel Sandalphon smote Sodom and Gomorrah, and rained the Lord’s destruction down upon the cities of the plain, until no stone rested upon stone, and no palm waved in the breeze—and only a great, dark serpent slipped away into the fields around Sodom, for the serpent was the cleverest of the beasts of the field, and was quick to see when a situation had gone all pear-shaped.

And so the Lord God did arrive belated, to find the judgment made before the count agreed upon with Abraham could be reckoned. And being a practical Lord, she didst scold Sandalphon and Aziraphale most bitterly, and swear to demote them both still further if they “pulled a berk’s stunt like that again in the next ten infinities,” and then she returned unto Heaven, to swear about it all to Metatron and complain that you just could not find good help since the Fall, could you? And Metatron agreed—being the Word of God he tended to echo back and deflect a lot. And both got drunk until, in the end, they begged the Celestial Harmonies to shut it, and the Lord God slept for a time, until it was time to go see Abraham and mock Sarah for her doubt. (Which she might not have done were she not so hung over, but one is never sure with the Deity. Her sense of humor may be “divine,” but that leaves a wide range of interpretations open…)

In the meantime Sandalphon returned unto Heaven, swearing mightily and greatly embittered at the injustice he suffered, and he cursed the ashes of the dead, and the salt of Lot’s wife, and the very names of Sodom and Gomorrah, and the cities of the plain, and for good measure all men who enjoyed the light-of-sandal and the eunuchs of Egypt down through the ages, for he was sore offended that they had valued him so low.

But Aziraphale remained in Sodom, and walked through the town crying and searching for a lean man with sallow skin and golden eyes and hair like polished ebony reflecting firelight. And he wept, for Sodom was gone, and Gommorah was gone, and the cities of the plain were gone, and the Lord had said nothing to undo Sandalphon's judgment—and Aziraphale could find no trace of the man with golden eyes.

Thus the angel Aziraphale walked from the town, headed back to Abraham’s encampment, for he could not bring himself to return to heaven. He found the wife of Lot, her grief preserved in salt, for so long as the salt remained, and he knelt in the dust of the road and cried…until, from the reeds by the road, a serpent arrived, and coiled at his feet, and placed its great head on his knees.

His tears did not cease—but they were broken, then, with laughter, and he held the serpent close, and thanked God and Satan and the wily serpent of the field that he had been clever enough to leave.

And the serpent did coil close around him, and his tongue drank his tears, and he was not alone.


End file.
